Hello, this is Meiri.

Game dev is my hobby, but earlier this year, I graduated after 5 years of studying and now work as a licensed psychologist.

There is a lot I could say about the depiction of mental health, disorders, and mental illnesses in Doce Fim from the perspective of a professional.

However, today I want to speak about it from the perspective of a human being who has lived through these experiences herself.

My entire dev career has been characterized by my vulnerability and openness about my struggles with mental health, both in the games themselves and in my devlogs. My very first devlog was about how development hell impacted my daily life to the point where I had to choose to cancel the project to protect my own well-being. I opened up about my struggles with impostor syndrome and suicidal ideation with One Last Story and its devlogs. Hydrangea was basically an exploration of my experiences as a survivor of abuse from a loved one.

With Doce Fim, it’s not going to be any different.

CONTENT WARNING: Conversations about mental health, paranoia, anxiety, and bullying.

I want to talk about two routes that were particularly cathartic (and difficult) to write: Lion’s and Luz’s. At the same time, I’ll talk about our protagonist Syun, who I can’t seem to stop inflicting more and more trauma on.

Lion’s Route

Although I started ‘writing’ Doce Fim proper late last year, the outline for the project has been ready since about early 2022. Everything in every route was decided, from the introductions to the endings to the journeys each member of the cast would go on. All routes have gone through significant changes and improvements (2022 Meiri’s writing skills are nothing compared to current Meiri’s), but the characters have stayed mostly the same.

Coincidentally, It was around that time that I was studying ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), as my first internship experience had me assessing a child for the condition. During my studies, I began to notice several things about myself, to the point where it got uncomfortable. Too many things were making sense, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how much I was seeing myself in what I read; how both my academical my non-academical research were hitting too close to home.

It took a long time for me to be able to talk about it with a close friend of mine, who is autistic herself. As I opened up, talking as if it were a big sudden revelation, the first thing she said was ‘so you finally noticed?’ another friend said ‘it’s pretty obvious.’ These were people I talked to everyday for over a decade and half a decade.

….But I still wasn’t fully convinced, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all. It took me finally sitting down and writing Lion that the pieces started to make sense.

In case you don’t know or haven’t picked up on the implications that are in the demo, Lion is autistic. He explicitly says this early on during his route in the full version of the game, and some of his story focuses on the impacts of him finding this out only in adulthood, without the help of his family.

Lion was designed by me. I had him wear comfortable, slightly baggy clothes. When I ask for art of him, I always make sure to tell artists not to draw him wearing denim (especially jeans), tight clothing or belts.

Lion is the way he currently is, and went through what he did during childhood - bullying, isolation, difficulty connecting to his peers and making friends, feeling like he’s weak or broken because of his sensitivity to noise, suffering through meltdowns and sensory overloads without any help - because he is autistic person who did not receive the aid he should’ve gotten.

That’s when it finally hit me, and I accepted that it could be a possibility for me too, and most of all, it was okay. The moment I began to write Lion’s experiences with autism while looking at myself and my feelings both good and bad regarding it, things clicked in a way that had never clicked before, for me and him.

In early 2025, when production for the sprites began, I asked the artist, Kay, to draw noise-cancelling headphones as an optional accessory for Lion. In-game, whenever he’s outside in a place that is described as noisy or full of people, I have his sprite change to have the headphones on.

This is probably a small detail that won’t mean much to most players, but… I think a part of me wanted to see a character who did that, and whose friends and loved ones accepted it and even recognized moments where he might need to cover his ears, out of concern for him.

I’ve always had sensitivity to loud noises (not as much as some in the spectrum, but it’s still notable), to the point of anxiety attacks, sobbing, and even physical pain. Yet, ear protection of any kind was never offered as an option for me. I would just have to deal with it, everyone else in class is fine, so why do I need that? Just cover your ears with your hands. You’re too sensitive. That’s weird.

Masking is another thing I touched on during his route. I don’t want to give spoilers as this is a pretty important part of his journey, but yeah, Lion masks.

Masking, also known as social camouflaging, is a defensive behavior in which an individual conceals their natural personality or behavior (…) it can be a conscious behavior an individual adopts to fit in within perceived societal norms.

Thanks to Lion and his route, I was able to understand so many things about myself and how I function. I came to terms with who I am and what I need. What I should’ve gotten. Did you know that autism is much less likely to be diagnosed in young girls than young boys, leading to women only finding out in adulthood? Yeah.

At the same time, ASD is a spectrum. I didn’t want Lion to have the exact same symptoms and experiences as I did. While we both love sticking to schedules and learning everything about our special interests, Lion also has a complicated relationship with food, with many aversions and difficulty in trying out new things. He’s his own individual. Frankly, the character just started writing himself.

I know he might not be relatable to every person with autism - that’d be impossible, since it’s a spectrum! But I do hope that seeing an autistic character in a piece of media brings some comfort to players who might not see themselves very much in media. I sure wish I had known that noise-cancelling headphones specifically for this issue were a thing earlier, or how autism presents itself in adults. Heck, that autistic adults exist at all!

Most importantly, Lion is going to be okay, so… I will, too. We’re like this, but we’re going to be okay.

Lion is one of my favorite original characters of all time, and I’m very proud of how his route turned out. There is much, much more to it (and him) than what I’ve written here. I hope I can release the full experience soon.

Luz’s Route (and the paranoia)

As I want to keep the content of Luz’s route as much of a secret as I can so everyone feels the intended emotional impact of the experience, I’ll talk a bit about the content currently in the demo instead.

While playing through her route-exclusive bits in the demo, you might’ve been frustrated by how guillible and forgiving Syun is. Luz treats him like… less of a friend, for lack of a better word, when he’s in a bad spot and needs support. In their routes, Rikka and Lion are supportive and helpful when this happens. Luz is the only one who acts annoyed and cold.

But Syun’s reaction to Luz’s uncaring words is It’s just how it is. When she talks coldly and creeps him out, he thinks: It’s probably just in my head. I must be imagining things again. It’s probably my fault.

And so on and so forth.

Growing up an anxious and paranoid kid, I was always told that my interpretations and gut feelings were wrong. And to be fair, yeah, that’s part of the condition. A friend not responding to my message right away doesn’t mean they hate me. No, those guys over there are not laughing at me. I’m pretty sure it’s very unlikely that there’s a school-wide conspiracy against me, honestly.

This is the inspiration for the Paranoia Bubbles feature. It was almost funny to me, writing how Syun would distort and assume the worst out of everyone. I’d go ‘there’s no way that’s the case, what is this guy thinking!’, and realize that’s exactly how my loved ones must feel when I talk about my own paranoid thoughts.

In-game, there are times when paranoia bubbles cover up the sprites’ faces. This is intentional. Syun literally cannot see how his friends are really feeling. His thoughts are overwhelming him so much, he can’t see reality properly.

90% of the time, Syun’s paranoia is wrong. It’s very, very incorrect. He makes upsetting conclusions out of little things, panics about it, and beats himself up. It actively impacts his well-being, his ability to socialize, how he looks at the world, and his self-esteem.

But listen, sometimes. Sometimes! Sometimes the gut feeling is right. Sometimes, people are mistreating you, and someone IS staring at you! But how do you tell? You were told that your gut can’t tell shit. How do you know when to trust it? Perhaps it’s better to never listen to it at all.

This is what Syun is going through in Luz’s route. I want to explore that, why it happens, and its consequences.

I’ve never been able to talk about this before. Being called ‘sick’ for so long that I can no longer tell when my feelings and suspicions are healthy or a symptom. This is especially true for Syun, who has had so many diagnoses that he ‘doesn’t know what is wrong with (him)’ anymore.

In his own words:

“I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just know that it is wrong.”

You’ll notice that, in the full game, during Rikka and Lion’s routes, the paranoia bubbles will start to appear less and less. Instead of seeing them as bubbles, Syun will have these thoughts, then shortly after communicate them with the involved person. It is with the slowly building trust and improved communication that he’ll be able to heal.

This will not happen in Luz’s route. The paranoia will be in full force.

It’s been very difficult to write Luz’s route, as it’s the heaviest one in the entire game. Some very, very dark things will happen in it. I’m pretty sure that half of the content warnings in the full game are accounting for events that take place exclusively in her route.

Look forward to seeing how these events will develop.

It doesn’t end with a cure

A very, very important thing that has been part of my design and writing philosophy for Doce Fim since the very beginning is this:

Nobody is going to be cured by the end of the story.

From an April 2022 character bio I wrote for Syun.

If I’m writing a story where mental health, healing, and moving on are at the forefront, I don’t want it to end with a magical cure or everything getting fixed by love, friendship, or therapy. Syun is still mentally ill if he gets a boyfriend and makes lifelong friends. Even in the True ending, he’s still mentally ill. Likewise, Lion will always be autistic.

You can be happy and have a life you’re proud of if you’re mentally ill, have a psychological or personality disorder, or are unable to do certain things due to conditions that are part of you. You are still deserving of respect, kindness, and people who love you.

Even if you relapse, have times where things seem to regress and you revert to old habits, you are still deserving of your doce fim.

There are many, many more things I could talk about here, especially relating to Syun. But I want to make separate devlogs or discussions about these other aspects of his life as a person living with mental illness, because they deserve their own in-depth look.

And don’t think that Rikka and Kie don’t have their own issues going on too. Nobody is safe from getting their psychology throughly explored in Doce Fim. I want to break these characters apart and rebuild them. And when it’s over, I want them to be better than they were before.

Thanks for reading.

• Meiri