I got inspired to write a game about ******* when I saw the ‘Dying Year VN Jam’.

I wanted to say the word, describe it, and have its causes and impacts described. Because - nowadays, we can’t say it, can we? We can’t talk about it.

We censor it, talk around it, imply it. In real life and online.

I greatly dislike this mindset I’m seeing in the big media we consume nowadays, where everything has to be palatable and understandable and easy to consume. Sometimes stories need villains and conflict and bad decisions. Sometimes games, stories, drawings, and music have to make you think - about yourself, the world, injustice, history, life - or make you uncomfortable and scared and sad.

When we wash that out, slice it up to make it as inoffensive and agreeable as possible, what do we get? Of course, there’s nothing wrong with making something casual and good-feels-only, but I think the problem happens when we cut and remove the ‘uncomfortable’ parts of what we want to make to reach that safe, sanitized goodness. (There’s something I could say about how this relates to queer art specifically, but I’ll leave that part to those with a larger repertoire.)

Anyway. One Last Story.

When I write about [word we’re not allowed to say], as I’ve done for several projects already, I’ve had a few players ask if I’m okay. I always rush to tell them I’m okay, actually, this is fiction, I’m doing fine now.

But sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m really not feeling very okay, and I don’t see a safe space to talk about it. In this game I’ve described thoughts I’ve had for over 10 years, but not even my therapist knows about. If if it’s shame, fear, or something else entirely from my part, I’m not sure.

The one place I’ve been able to talk about it is in my writing.

I’ve seen a lot of devs say they make the games they’ve always wanted to play.

But for me, game dev is not that. In part, yes, but most of all - it is a form of catharsis, a way of sharing my experiences, fears, traumas… and connecting with others who can relate.

Due to recent situations, however, I began to fear showing the vulnerability required to publish these games.

The thing about sharing deeply personal art inspired by real experiences to the public is that it becomes something to be consumed. It’s no longer only an experience by a real person with complicated emotions, it’s a product.

I came to the conclusion that sharing my games is dangerous.

I’m extremely anxious about this release, I’ve cried and come close to throwing up while thinking about it. It’s not good enough, no one’s going to understand it, it’s not as good as [X], no one’s going to care, and so on. But development was so fun, and I worked so hard on it, I don’t want to leave it unreleased.

Usually I’d cope with the emotions by making a game. But that’s dangerous. That’s scary. Usually I’d cope with that fear my making a game. But that’s…

I’m trying to break out of this loop. Thus, this game exists.

During development, I was paralyzed by a singular thought:

‘This game isn’t going to do well.’

There was a time when I never thought of that. But I’ve reached a point where I find myself needing to make something that does at least a little bit well. For ‘I need to grow my audience’ reasons, for ‘how am I gonna fund this huge project’ reasons, and perhaps ego reasons.

I hate that. I wish I could go back to just making whatever I want. Who cares about selling? Who cares about building an audience? Just make a game!

At one point this was a different game. I wrote choices and romance scenes, there were going to be several endings, the whole shebang. But it didn’t make sense and didn’t serve the narrative; I didn’t like how that version of the project turned out at all.

It wasn’t what I wanted. Choices and being able to add a Yaoi or Romance tag probably would’ve made it more appealing and easier to market, but thinking about what will or what will not sell hurt the quality of this game - and its overall message, really. The ‘Self’ chapter says it all.

My black and white, semi-autobiographical titles don’t usually do well. Again, I briefly attempted to at least color the game’s art - another attempt to make the ‘product’ more appealing - but it didn’t make sense.

The limited color palette is part of the narrative; the protagonist does not see the color in his life (imagined or real). The blood being red is not only to make the scenes more impactful, but also to represent ‘hurting yourself to feel (see) something.’ You finally see the colors, but at what cost?

Talking about the art, I STRUGGLED. So much. If you’ve been reading my latest posts, I’ve been unable to draw properly for some time. I can’t seem to be satisfied with anything I draw; there are several scenes where the screen is just black with text, or there’s reused art - I tried to draw something for these scenes, but I’ve become shy and afraid of experimenting as much as I used to.

It’s been a tough year, and I really wish I could go back to 2ish years ago when I drew dozens of characters, experimented with CGs, and looked forward to sharing WIPs with confidence and excitement.

I did have an epiphany when I realized I could use edited real-life pictures in key moments. The way I thought of it is, the hand-drawn art feels ‘less real’ to the protagonist, whereas the pictures are what feel real, close to him. The computer he writes on feels real. The pills feel very, very real. His partner’s hand, blurry as it is, is still real.

You’d think that would solve the issue. However, I couldn’t just slap on a picture in any scene that’s missing art - it has to follow the above rules. That’s why the Stranger and Fan chapters could not have any of these pictures.

But I still feel like it’s not enough. I kept writing more and more - or making the subject of [don’t say that out loud] vaguer; adding more bits of hope and romance, trying to make the experience more attractive.

Keep it implied, or else it’s edgy. Don’t be too negative, people won’t like that. It’s a product now, it’s not just art. You’re not explaining it well enough. You’re explaining it too much.

Make something that SELLS. That people will LIKE. YOU NEED TO MAKE ANOTHER HIT.

Some last words

It’s difficult to hold back on criticizing my own work.

I’ll be honest: this game is not perfect. It didn’t turn out how I envisioned it. I had a specific vision, but it didn’t come to fruition as I wanted it to. I wanted it to be… I don’t know how to explain it, but in my mind, it was much more impactful. The game in my head is great.

I think, actually, the game in my head is not made by me. It’s not written by me, it doesn’t have my artwork, it doesn’t have my name anywhere. The phrase ‘if someone else had made this, it would’ve turned out good’ came to me a few days ago.

There’s so much to unpack. That kind of thing doesn’t help me, it doesn’t make anyone happy. I do not want to repeat the mistakes of this game’s protagonist and hide behind a shroud of negativity and supposed ‘self-awareness’ to protect myself.

I know this isn’t the kind of game people want out of me.

But it’s the one I want to make. It’s the one I can make with my current resources. I’d rather have this game exist than have nothing at all.

And I know there is some good in this work. Somewhere, someone out there will see all of the good in it, even if I can’t.

I want to believe that, so I made a game about it.

And to finish this off -

I understand it’s difficult to follow my work if you came for the yandere and now find your feed filled with kinetic novel ramblings. But the truth is, I want to make a 150k words long old man yaoi VN just as much as I want to make a 5k word long autobiographical nonsense story.

I don’t consider myself an amare dev or an BL dev or any other genre title, I just make what speaks to me.

If you liked those two, I’m writing a novel about them on Patreon.

This might the last game I post this year… or so I wrote, but Divorce Chatroom is suddenly a thing, huh.

Check out the artbook and the playable DLC if you see potential in what I make.

My initial goal is $100 so I can recoup the costs of publishing Hydrangea on Steam.

This game was also available on Early Access for paid subscribers on Patreon. Nobody subscribed to it, but it was worth a try. I did like the process, so I’ll likely continue to put my solo or commercial projects on Early Access from now on. Maybe someone will be into it eventually.

I also have my Ko-fi for one-time donations and tips.

Sorry for being a bummer this time around. I try to keep a positive, lighthearted mood, but I’ve held back on some of this stuff for so long it was suffocating me.

Thank you for reading.

• Meiri